A Love Letter to Kane

Dear Kane,

It’s not your birthday. It’s not the day I found out you were growing in my belly. It’s not really a significant date. But it was the perfect day and I want to remember it. Forever.

Last night was New Year’s Eve. Some of our friends came over, but you fell asleep early and didn’t get to see them arrive. Your Aunt Emily & Uncle Mark were here. Along with Aunt Tricia and her new beau, as well as Uncle Jimbo. While you slept, we talked and played games and sipped champagne. You slept thru it all, and that surprised your momma & dadda. You’re getting so much better at sleeping and we’re so proud of you. It feels silly to say that we’re proud of you sleeping, but it’s been a challenge for you and getting better means you’re growing and learning. A when you have babies, you will understand how you can be proud of anything they do.

At 11:58, we gathered around the tv to watch the ball drop and guess who came walking down the hall. You. Dinosaur pajamas and bed head, rubbing your eyes. I scooped you up in my arms and swayed while you were still waking up. The new year was almost here and you didn’t want to miss the midnight kiss. I know it. You love kisses and didn’t want to miss a single one. So as the ball fell, we counted backwards and then we kissed as a family.

You stayed up and played with everyone until the last guest left, at 1:30am. Then all 3 of us crawled into momma & dadda’s bed to sleep. The pups were snoozing under the bed, of course. When you were ready to get up for the day but we weren’t, we all went to your room where dadda & I laid in your bed while you played. We got to close our eyes for another hour, so thank you.

You and I got up at 8:30 and had yogurt and a banana, with a side of giggles, while dadda snoozed. When he joined us, I made chocolate chip pancakes for my guys. It was a beautiful day, sunny and in the 50’s, so we played outside for a long time. We love to watch you run and stomp around the yard. You love being outside and I am so grateful for beautiful winter days that let us spend time in the yard.

You went down for your afternoon nap and had a good, long sleep. When you woke, we went to have fajitas and enchiladas at Mia’s. It’s your Uncle Na-Na & Aunt Abi’s favorite place. You had your camouflage scally cap on and got so much attention. Everyone thinks you are the cutest little guy ever. We made a quick stop at Home Depot where I handed you a miniature C-clamp and you played with it the whole time, with your ‘thinking face’ on. It’s exactly like your father’s ‘thinking face’.

When we got home, you and dad and the pups went back outside and I stood in the doorway thinking “my whole life is right there in that yard”. I love you so much and you have made my life exponentially better. The things you love are things I love. Nature, figuring things out, the puppy dogs, dadda. But maybe not in that particular order. It started to get chilly out, so y’all came in and we relaxed and played in the living room.

You had some bites and milk and as it crept toward 7, you started to get tired. Just like you do every night. You have a pretty good schedule and you know when it’s time to go to bed. When you’re ready, you start to climb on me and pull at my clothes. You point towards the hallway and say “uh, uh, uh”. It sounds like whining, but it’s a beautiful noise because it’s how you communicate. You’re ready for sleep and trying to get me to move. You start to wave at dadda and say “bye bye”. I love your ritual. It’s all your own. We didn’t teach it to you. Tonight, we tried to get you to say “night night” and you said “nigh nigh”. Our hearts melted and swarmed at the same time. You’re adorable and couldn’t be loved more.

We went to your room and were putting on pajamas, your least favorite part because you just want to lay down, when I made a funny noise that sent you into a fit of laughter. That laughter is contagious, let me tell you. It’s so spontaneous and fresh and pure. It makes me stop in my tracks. Then grin. Which grows into a smile. And then I can’t keep it in. I start laughing with you and that makes you laugh even harder. Infectious.

I laid down with you and you started to doze, then woke up and went to the door yelling “DADDA, DADDA!”. You really love that guy. He came to your room, laid down with us and started softly bouncing the bed. You started to doze, then all of the sudden rolled over and whispered “dadda, dadda, dadda. Hi dadda!” I couldn’t help it. I tried to cover my mouth, but you could hear my chuckles and you started to giggle. Dadda held it in, but his smile was a mile wide. You rolled over to me, touched my face and started saing “momma” over and over. After about the fifth time, I stopped fighting the urge and tried to bite your hand. You went into a hysterical laughing fit. You love that game.

After we calmed down and dadda started bouncing the bed again, you rolled over, snuggled next to me and fell asleep. I was reminded that sometimes bedtimes don’t have to be followed. I won’t pass up opportunities to bite your hand and send you into a laughing fit. It’s the most precious noise in the whole world. I loved every minute of bedtime tonight and I would try to eat your hand again given the opportunity. And I bet that opportunity will come tomorrow. So be ready.

Your laugh, your coyness, your sense of humor keep me so entertained. And madly, deeply, truly in love. With you. With who you are. With what you will become. With what your father and I created. And how amazing that is. So tonight I started a memory jar. I’m writing down what happened and I’m putting it in the jar so that I will remember. Because memories fade and I don’t want to forget. You’ve given me so many joyous moments in your 15 months and I want to relive the moments over and over. When you’re older, you can have the jar and read what made us laugh and love. And I want you to know how much joy was in our home. I can’t record every giggle, but I can record a snapshot of the fun.

So this jar is our 2012 memories jar and will help us remember all the great times that this year will bring. You’re my sweet, precious, adorable baby and I will love you with every cell in my body forever and ever. And ever.